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00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,500
Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

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00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:29,200
in a packed programme tonight, we shall
be talking by long -distance phone to a

3
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,400
Scotsman who found an Australian penny
and emigrated.

4
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:38,560
Then we'll have three contrasting pieces
of choral music, sacred songs from St

5
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:42,640
Martin in the Fields, rather less sacred
songs from St Christopher in the Woods,

6
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:48,280
and some positively revolting songs from
St Vitus in the Long Grass behind the

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00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,280
glue factory.

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00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,880
Our special guest is a very shy lady
impressionist. Her petula clock is

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00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,820
extremely good and her cilla black is
fantastic, but no one can touch her

10
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,239
But first, the news.

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00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:09,520
The health service stated today that
they are getting so behind hand that for

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the pregnancy testing service there is
now a ten -month waiting list.

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00:01:18,570 --> 00:01:22,030
It was announced today in Dublin that
the Irish Doomsday Book is in fact a

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00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:23,030
forgery.

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This was the conclusion after a six
-month study of it by typewriting

16
00:01:36,570 --> 00:01:43,130
In Hatfield today, the prototype of a
mammoth 50 -foot -high food mixer went

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completely out of control. The entire
company has gone into liquidation.

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And we've just heard sensational news
from Whipsnade. The male panda, who's

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developed a passion for music, has mated
with the head keeper's harmonium.

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Experts say this may create a
pandemonium.

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00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:14,360
Now a sketch in which I play the
schoolboy expelled for smoking, and I

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00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:15,440
boy who set him on fire.

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Excuse me, didn't I see you at the
festival hall last week?

24
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Um, no, I don't think so. Oh, you're not
Corsetti, the cellist?

25
00:02:36,550 --> 00:02:38,730
Oh, no, no, I'm not. Oh, I do beg your
pardon.

26
00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:41,090
I'm sure I've seen you somewhere last
week.

27
00:02:41,850 --> 00:02:45,470
Um, he... Could it have been the garden?

28
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Sorry? The garden at the weekend?

29
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Yes, I was in the garden at the weekend.
It was lovely.

30
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Really lovely. Yes, wasn't it
magnificent? Yes, um, which performance

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at?

32
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I'm sorry?

33
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:03,020
Which performance did you see at Covent
Garden? Oh, sorry, Covent Garden.

34
00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:04,260
Yes. Oh, sorry.

35
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,940
No, I wasn't at Covent Garden last
weekend.

36
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:10,140
Oh, you weren't there last weekend. No,
no. I think it must have been the

37
00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:10,859
weekend before.

38
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Oh, that was magnificent too, wasn't it?
Oh, truly.

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00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:17,680
I thought Catercino was in superb form.
Oh, yes.

40
00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:24,700
What a magnificent... What a
magnificent, you know, piece of

41
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form he showed.

42
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The chorus of harlots was absolute...
Oh, quite.

43
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Yes, yes.

44
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And when Gutenheimer sang, Oh,

45
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,080
yes.

46
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,400
Oh, yes.

47
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,020
No, wait a minute. That wasn't last
week, was it?

48
00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:45,880
Wasn't it? No, no, that was the week
before.

49
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,500
Of course it was. It was the week
before. Yes, silly of me.

50
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,080
Well, how could I have thought it was
that week? No, quite.

51
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,000
What was it that week?

52
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,120
Um... You said you were there that week.

53
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:04,800
It was... Strauss? Strauss? Strauss!

54
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,960
That's awfully good. Strauss, yes. Yes,
Gellivetti is far too lyrical, isn't it?

55
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,860
But I must remember that Strauss,
Gellivetti, yes.

56
00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:17,180
Talking of Gellivetti, do you know
Cornwall at all?

57
00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:20,420
Yes, sir, I must be honest. Yes, we went
there for our holidays this year.

58
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St Ives for a fortnight. It was awfully
nice. We had a little...

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00:04:27,739 --> 00:04:29,340
Brian Cornwall, the novelist.

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Oh, I must recommend his fascinating
article

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00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,300
in this month's edition of Brain.

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Oh. On the mock Middle Byzantine facades
that they're sticking on to poor old

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Doncaster Library.

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In Brain? I must make a note of that.
Yes, and also a fascinating series of

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articles on Tilakut in there somewhere.

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What do you think of Reading?

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The novelist.

68
00:04:58,849 --> 00:05:01,590
Novelist? No, I don't know a novelist
called Reading. No, I don't know a

69
00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:02,590
novelist. I'm sorry.

70
00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:03,730
The plane.

71
00:05:04,230 --> 00:05:06,410
No, the new system for dating
crustaceans.

72
00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:09,230
What do you think of it, really?

73
00:05:09,470 --> 00:05:13,390
Well, I... What do you think of it?
Well, I don't know. It's awfully... It's

74
00:05:13,390 --> 00:05:16,510
awfully, awfully difficult, isn't it? It
is awfully difficult. I think it's

75
00:05:16,510 --> 00:05:19,010
awfully difficult. You see, on the one
hand, you've got Zuckerman.

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00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:23,670
And on the other hand, you've got...
What's his name? You have got... Yes.

77
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What is his name?

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00:05:28,270 --> 00:05:31,510
What is his name? His name is... Don't
tell me.

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00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:36,530
It's... It's Bennett, isn't it?

80
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,790
Do you read at all?

81
00:05:45,830 --> 00:05:48,730
Oh, I read an awful lot. You know,
coming up on the train every morning

82
00:05:48,730 --> 00:05:53,090
Maidstone. Maidstone? Yes. I come from
Maidstone. Really?

83
00:05:53,370 --> 00:05:54,880
Well... Well, well, well, well.

84
00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:58,560
Well, this has been one of the most
stimulating conversations I've had for

85
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,940
time. It's so seldom one meets anyone
with whom one's got anything in common.

86
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,299
Maid's love.

87
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:04,300
How wonderful.

88
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,420
Catechini comes from maid's love.

89
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,940
Good evening, and welcome to the day
after tomorrow's world.

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00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,500
Tonight we show you something smooth,
streamlined, functional and fast.

91
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:31,760
But that's enough about me.

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00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:36,240
I'm standing here in the kitchen of the
future. The kitchen that's got every

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00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,180
labour -saving device you can think of,
apart from the Liberal Party.

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00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:46,560
Let us look around, shall we? First of
all, here is the special eye -level

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00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:47,560
grill.

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00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,170
Designed by Ronnie Corbett.

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00:06:54,970 --> 00:06:59,770
And then in this one multi -unit, there
is a mixer, the oven, and the washing

98
00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:02,630
machine all in one. Well, how does it
work? Well, supposing, you see,

99
00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:08,930
supposing... Supposing I want some
crumpet at tea time.

100
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,430
Well, supposing I do.

101
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:14,430
What I do after five o 'clock is my own
business.

102
00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:21,170
Now, what about a cake for my birthday?
Now, I shall need some cake mix.

103
00:07:21,530 --> 00:07:24,490
Now, over here, you see we have cake.
There, that's the shortcake.

104
00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:26,650
And, of course, that's a very long cake.

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We'll take the shortcake, I think.

106
00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:31,230
We put it in there.

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Add the eggs.

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And the milk.

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Icing sugar.

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And, of course, 21 candles.

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00:07:41,230 --> 00:07:46,410
There we are. Now, we mix for only a few
seconds and simply pop it into the oven

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like this.

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But remember, of course, that this oven
and mixer is also the washing machine

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and I'm doing some laundry for the
weatherman in the next studio at the

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time.

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00:07:55,110 --> 00:08:00,950
Now, what do we get when we turn the
dial? Oh, well, we get a small electric

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00:08:00,950 --> 00:08:01,950
shock.

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00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:06,590
We'll ignore that for the moment. Now,
let's just check the time on our digital

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00:08:06,590 --> 00:08:07,590
clock here.

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00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:16,210
Well, either it's two o 'clock or
they're still on strike.

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This exciting innovation I have here is
the new kitchen cup.

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There it is.

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00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:31,840
Right, now we simply put the grass in
here, like this.

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And the milk comes out here.

125
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Now this, of course, entirely replaces
the milkman.

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00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,780
Unless you're the woman at number 44
with the bow front.

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Now then, what about...

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What about the food of the future? Now,
for a start, it's going to be bigger.

129
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,620
Now, let me demonstrate. We scientists,
we have found that the old vegetables

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were too small, far too small. For
instance, what can I do with this

131
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:06,480
Thank you very much, madam. But
seriously, I tried carrots as

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bought my wife this 18 -carat ring.

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00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:15,140
Now, here, on the contrary, here is a
single section from the giant super

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00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,200
of the future.

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00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:17,480
Now, there it is.

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00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,580
Now, if you ate all that side, you could
see Muhammad Ali in a dark room with

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00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:22,580
your eyes shut.

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Even if he wasn't there.

139
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:28,200
On this side, you see, there's Matt
Monroe singing, I'm in the mood for

140
00:09:29,260 --> 00:09:32,880
Of course, it doesn't end there. Here is
the new BBC radish.

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00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,240
Here we are.

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00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:38,660
With 13 guaranteed repeats on BBC Two.

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00:09:47,069 --> 00:09:50,150
Thank you. Here is the shredded wheat
for the woman with two men in her life.

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00:09:51,830 --> 00:09:53,750
Here's one for the woman with 20 men in
her life.

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Ladies with larger appetites than that
should see their doctor.

146
00:10:01,070 --> 00:10:02,230
He'll probably give them one of these.

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00:10:25,230 --> 00:10:26,230
the mouse trap of the future.

148
00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:30,910
Here it is. It consists of a piece of
cheese, a Jimmy Young record, and a

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00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,630
The mouse smells the cheese, he comes
out of his hole, play the Jimmy Young

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00:10:34,630 --> 00:10:37,490
record. When the poor little son puts
his paws over his ears, you creep up

151
00:10:37,490 --> 00:10:38,490
behind him, hit him with the brick.

152
00:10:42,030 --> 00:10:46,410
And here we have, ah, here we have the
new egg -laying machine, the kitchen egg

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00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:48,310
-laying one. What makes it light up, you
ask? Simple.

154
00:10:48,510 --> 00:10:49,890
Inside is a battery head.

155
00:10:54,030 --> 00:10:56,330
Simple. You take one of these pellets.
Now, in this pellet, there is enough

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00:10:56,330 --> 00:10:59,790
concentrated hen food for six months. I
put it in there, load it in the special

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00:10:59,790 --> 00:11:03,310
gun, and by means of this aperture in
here, I shoot the pellet straight into

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00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:04,310
mouth. That's it.

159
00:11:05,190 --> 00:11:06,190
Ah,

160
00:11:10,490 --> 00:11:11,950
there's another hole on this end.

161
00:11:22,830 --> 00:11:23,830
until the eggs come out cracked.

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00:11:25,790 --> 00:11:28,790
Well, now, before I leave you, it's just
time to remove our cake from the oven

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00:11:28,790 --> 00:11:31,370
and also to see how the weatherman's
laundry is getting on.

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00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:32,650
Now, here we are.

165
00:11:33,730 --> 00:11:34,870
Ah, yes, there we are.

166
00:11:35,410 --> 00:11:42,390
There it is. A very nice cake in a wool
rayon mixture with a zip front. There we

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00:11:42,390 --> 00:11:43,390
are.

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00:11:43,590 --> 00:11:49,550
And, of course, here we have a fine set
of beautifully iced underpants. There we

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00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:52,370
are. Now, the weatherman should be very
pleased with these.

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00:11:52,750 --> 00:11:55,310
When his wife blows out the candles
tonight, there'll be a cold front and a

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00:11:55,310 --> 00:11:56,310
following wind.

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00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:24,000
London, 1899. The threat continued.

173
00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:29,120
The Phantom was still at large, wreaking
havoc in society circles with his

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00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,700
shocking attack on people in high
places.

175
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:48,180
Inspector Corner of the Yard, terrified
that the Phantom would attack Her

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00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:52,160
Majesty Queen Victoria, agreed to a
midnight assignation in the graveyard.

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00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:53,620
At midnight.

178
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,940
Only to be attacked from behind by a
half -praised monster.

179
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,800
And so the chase was on.

180
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,260
For month after month, the inspector
tirelessly pursued his man to the far

181
00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:01,420
corners of the earth, defying death a
thousand times.

182
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:09,000
Phantom fled.

183
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:24,660
leaving chaos and destruction in his
wake.

184
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:33,120
Finally, in despair, Inspector Corner of
the Yard returned to dear old England,

185
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:36,940
just in time for Queen Victoria's
procession through the streets on New

186
00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,640
Eve to celebrate the dawning of a brand
new century.

187
00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:45,080
Worn out, exhausted, his nerves
shattered, and his energy completely

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00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:49,000
away, the inspector accepted a cup of
tea from the faithful Sergeant Bowles

189
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,700
soon felt much better.

190
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,280
arrange for us, Bowles?

191
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,720
I do my best, sir.

192
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,240
What a pretty procession.

193
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,360
Awfully nice idea to do it completely in
black and white.

194
00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:21,640
Would you like a flag to wave, sir? Oh,
thank you.

195
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:52,760
Inspector Bloy of the Crystal Palace
Division. They've cornered the Phantom.

196
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,240
Where, sir? In the sewers at Bullseye
Crescent.

197
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,140
I shall go ahead. You follow with six
good men and the equipment.

198
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,260
Very good, sir. And hurry!

199
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,020
The possession is heading that way.

200
00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:29,790
Now look here, naughty phantom raspberry
blower of old London town.

201
00:16:30,230 --> 00:16:31,610
We know you're down there.

202
00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:33,550
Give yourself up now.

203
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:39,070
Otherwise, I'll play back your own
devilish recording with the new electric

204
00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:40,650
police horn.

205
00:16:41,810 --> 00:16:42,810
Do you hear me?

206
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,550
He can hear you, sir.

207
00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:51,030
Place the equipment.

208
00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:46,250
You will count up to ten. You will never
take me alive.

209
00:17:46,730 --> 00:17:49,610
I'd rather my weapon was turned upon
myself.

210
00:17:50,430 --> 00:17:53,510
We will not bargain with you, sir. Come
out.

211
00:17:56,230 --> 00:17:57,230
One.

212
00:17:58,410 --> 00:17:59,410
Two.

213
00:18:01,070 --> 00:18:02,070
Three.

214
00:18:04,630 --> 00:18:05,630
Four.

215
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:59,090
century dawn and London at last freed
itself of the dreaded phantom raspberry

216
00:18:59,090 --> 00:19:00,090
blower.

217
00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:10,630
Never again would law -abiding citizens
be subjected to terrifying attacks from

218
00:19:10,630 --> 00:19:11,630
the rear.

219
00:19:14,410 --> 00:19:20,410
People could return to their innocent
pleasures, safe in the knowledge that

220
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,270
and order had been restored.

221
00:19:22,890 --> 00:19:23,990
Throughout the land.

222
00:19:31,790 --> 00:19:34,390
England. Could once more.

223
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:35,870
Live in peace.

224
00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:38,910
The phantom.

225
00:19:39,210 --> 00:19:40,450
Was dead.

226
00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:47,430
Or was he?

227
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,780
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

228
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:14,360
If you had a plan On what to do when
you're a

229
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:20,980
man You could be lucky In giving
yourself a good time

230
00:24:56,740 --> 00:25:00,840
At this point, we have to announce that
after further objections about West

231
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:05,080
Indian bouncers, we've cancelled
tonight's demonstration by the Trinidad

232
00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:06,260
go -go dancers.

233
00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:12,280
And we were to have had Jimmy Savile
with us.

234
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,800
but we've just heard that his suit has
been disallowed by the Noise Abatement

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00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,800
Society.

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But here is the late news. The longest
ever swearing in of a witness ended in

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the High Court this afternoon after six
and a half days, when the witness, Bert

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Osby, instead of holding the Bible and
reading out the card, held the card and

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read out the Bible.

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And news, news has just come in from
Magalumbu, the primitive Pacific island,

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where a man has been condemned to death
for cannibalism.

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This morning, the day of the execution,
the condemned man rose, got dressed,

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cleaned his teeth, and ate a hearty
water.

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There was chaos at King's Cross today
when a consignment of 93 tortoises from

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Indonesia escaped from a guard's van and
made off along the platform.

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When asked how they managed to get clear
away from the station, a British rail

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spokesman said, we tried to stop them,
but they were just too fast for our

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portals.

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This will make you laugh.

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It's actually about the owner of a
holiday camp who is driving along one

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she's driving along one day, and he sees
a rather poor -looking old lady, a

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rather poor -looking old man, sitting on
a bench, you know, by the seaside.

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And, by the way, I don't want you to
think, I don't want you to think that

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going to try to get a laugh out of
somebody, you know, just because they're

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poor, you know.

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00:26:41,010 --> 00:26:45,150
Oh, no, because, believe it or not, you
know, I have known what it's like to be

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short.

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So don't be alarmed. I'm not going to do
what most comedians would do at this

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point, you know, go off into contrived
routine about my life and hard times,

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know, that sort of thing, don't you?

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You know, a tramp came to the door and
said, any old clothes? And my mother

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said, yes, please, you know.

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You know, we were so poor, my brother
was made in Hong Kong, you know.

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Although, to be serious for just a
little while longer, this story...

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that I'm going to tell does rather take
me back a bit because it is the first

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00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:26,000
joke that my old dad ever told to me
when I was five years old.

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That's more than, you know, 20 years
ago.

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Easily. So if you don't like the joke,
perhaps you can applaud the feat of

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memory involved.

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Not now.

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Not now.

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Wait until you've heard the joke. Now,
where was I? Oh, yes. Actually, I

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remember I was five. I remember because
I was five.

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because it was my fifth birthday, and
my... Well, I'm very quick like that. On

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the wavelength. And my parents had just
given me an old bra and told me it

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was a double -barrel catapult.

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Very valuable experience, because
nowadays I can spot a loaded platex a

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away.

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00:28:12,890 --> 00:28:14,890
Actually, I shouldn't criticise...

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parents because they were going through
rather a sticky patch at the time. My

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father had lost all his money in his
latest venture, you know.

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London's first drive -in do -it
-yourself sheep dip.

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Then he tried selling broken light bulbs
to people who had no electricity.

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And even now he hasn't had a job since
he was a deck chair attendant in

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of Arabia.

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00:28:36,730 --> 00:28:40,090
Very, very hard times. He was too proud,
you see, to beg in the street, you

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00:28:40,090 --> 00:28:41,290
know. So he used to beg indoors.

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had to cook with was two candles under
an old fire bucket.

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And every night, no, every night, every
night she used to cook a meal for 17 of

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us.

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There were actually only three of us in
the family, but she loved entertaining.

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And, you know, I shall never, I shall
never forget that Christmas Eve when

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crept into my little room in his Santa
Claus outfit and stole my socks.

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I must be fair, I don't want to get my
parents a bad name and didn't actually

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00:29:21,790 --> 00:29:23,570
steal them, you know. He reclaimed them.

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00:29:24,510 --> 00:29:28,590
It was something to do with the fact
that I'd fallen behind on the repayments

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00:29:28,590 --> 00:29:30,230
from when they sold me my first pram.

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00:29:34,210 --> 00:29:37,070
Which, incidentally, I still pay them
five shillings a week.

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00:29:38,150 --> 00:29:41,290
Well, it may sound ridiculous, five
shillings a week for 40 years, but you

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00:29:41,290 --> 00:29:43,650
how it is. When you're only one year
old, you'll sign anything.

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00:29:47,020 --> 00:29:50,940
Even then, it wasn't really a pram. It
was a trolley stolen from a supermarket.

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A change of wheels, a quick re -spray.

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There I am at the age of one, riding
around town in a hot basket.

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00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:06,500
Now, I've remembered the joke, which
concerns the elderly.

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00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,420
An elderly lady and gentleman, you see,
who were, as I say, resting.

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on one of those benches on the front of
the seaside, you know, when a big car

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pulled up and the chap in the car said,
he said, excuse me, but I am the owner

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of the St.

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Typhoid's Bay Holiday Company.

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Don't start laughing whenever I just try
and do a funny voice.

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He said, I am the owner of the St.

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Typhoid's Bay Holiday Company.

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I think he was from Arbroath as well, as
well.

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He said, I'd be honoured, he said.

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00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:42,920
If you two would come and spend a free
holiday, an absolutely free few days, I

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00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,620
was going to say, but a free holiday for
you.

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Come and spend a free holiday with us as
our millionth visitor, you see. Well,

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00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:54,320
the old lady immediately suspected it
was a trick by white slave traders, you

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00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:59,800
know, to abduct her and sell her into a
life of sin and debauchery.

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00:31:01,020 --> 00:31:03,000
So she ran across and jumped into the
car.

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00:31:09,740 --> 00:31:10,740
there, you see.

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00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,880
So he took them back to his holiday camp
and installed them in a nice double

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00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,000
chalet with the best view in the camp,
you know, facing the gate.

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And he left them there, you see.

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The next day he saw them sitting outside
the chalet and he said to the old lady,

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00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,340
he said, are you enjoying your stay with
us then? She said, well, I'm having a

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00:31:29,340 --> 00:31:32,820
great time. She said, absolutely lovely
time. She said, I've played bingo. She

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00:31:32,820 --> 00:31:35,100
said, I've watched the men building the
swimming pool.

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00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,780
And she said, tonight I'm going to the
fancy dress ball as Des O 'Connor.

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She said, by the way, can I ask you a
question? She said, who's the little old

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00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:50,120
man?

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00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:19,460
The making plays, how sweet the sound,
she

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00:33:19,460 --> 00:33:25,780
played upon a whistle, to show

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00:33:25,780 --> 00:33:29,160
you how she jobbed.

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00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:17,520
And they made us take part in the races.

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00:34:17,820 --> 00:34:22,080
Oh, I tossed the chamber. And I put the
shot.

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00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:25,300
And you put it in some damn funny place.

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00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:30,760
Oh, next to me he was 16, don't read.

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00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,020
And we stood side by side.

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00:35:08,490 --> 00:35:14,510
out to dry on the line and now it's
gone. I think someone

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00:35:14,510 --> 00:35:20,910
enticed it with a biscuit or a bone and
I hope in my

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00:35:20,910 --> 00:35:27,690
heart it has found a decent home. It
never attacked strangers

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00:35:27,690 --> 00:35:30,270
or chased the next door's cat.

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00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:47,460
I'll just pay the license fee.

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00:36:50,529 --> 00:36:51,930
Oh, no, very poor.

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00:37:15,370 --> 00:37:16,770
drinking whiskey on the rocks.

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00:37:26,060 --> 00:37:32,200
I was a soldier, a youth soldier, who
wandered far away from Dolder's Green

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00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:38,700
day. He went by army and joined the
army, the Queens on Highland, four by

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00:37:39,260 --> 00:37:46,200
He worked in the cookhouse there, with
his knees all bare, cooking kosher

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00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:49,940
fare, serving a lot of suits to the
hungry troops.

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00:37:55,920 --> 00:38:01,380
Yiddish soldier, a man so bold and
brave, lies in a hero's grave. Some far

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00:38:01,380 --> 00:38:06,880
corner of somewhere foreign, at last his
foreigns come for him.

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00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:13,660
He sailed away for to fight the foe, at
some highland show, up in

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00:38:13,660 --> 00:38:20,560
Scarpa Flow, a flying haggis in a
cookhouse bro, cause a poor young lad to

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00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:24,740
fall. But like I told you, a Yiddish
soldier...

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00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:32,380
Never be forgot wherever soup is hot.
His name will linger on every finger

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00:38:32,380 --> 00:38:34,980
pickled herrings are passed around.

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00:38:35,580 --> 00:38:42,520
But nevermore will he serve a lobster
bowl. He has answered now that final

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00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:49,160
call. There's a brown mutt on the
cookhouse wall where the haggis did it

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00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:54,540
Now he's up there and he's thrown some
wings and he's throw...

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00:38:56,300 --> 00:38:57,300
I don't think...

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00:39:45,710 --> 00:39:50,550
Well, that's all for this week, but here
are two items of late news. At the

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00:39:50,550 --> 00:39:57,450
Royal Air Show today, Luigi Bregonzi,
the famous drunken Italian airy, was not

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00:39:57,450 --> 00:40:00,890
permitted to do his celebrated dive
through the sound barrier.

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00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:05,670
The controller said he could not
endanger the crowd with a high tiddly

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00:40:05,830 --> 00:40:06,830
Boom, boom.

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00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:16,280
In a very serious case in the High Court
this afternoon, an 18 -year -old

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00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:19,460
secretary in the Foreign Office
confessed that she disgraced herself at

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00:40:19,460 --> 00:40:23,860
embassy reception by entertaining a
Russian spy on the bedroom carpet, the

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00:40:23,860 --> 00:40:28,300
of Helsinki in the garbage can, a
Chinese attaché in the washbasin, a

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00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:31,780
officer in the fuel receptacle, and an
African chief in the downstairs toilet.

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00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,020
She had a red under her bed, a fin in
the bin, a chink in the sink, a junker

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00:40:36,020 --> 00:40:37,020
the bunker, and a Swazi in the car.

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00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:49,860
Now, the trailer for the BBC's Film of
the Month, to be shown next Thursday.

375
00:40:49,860 --> 00:40:54,160
film that broke all box office records,
the film that everyone is talking about.

376
00:41:03,500 --> 00:41:08,040
From the studios that first dared to
bring to the cinema stories of the

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00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:12,700
magnitude of Moby Dick, The Old Man and
the Sea, The Poseidon Adventure.

378
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:18,660
Now comes the supreme, definitive drama
of the Predator Man in his age -old

379
00:41:18,660 --> 00:41:20,500
battle with the D.

380
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:38,520
Now the spine -chilling horror that has
shocked America comes searing across

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00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:39,580
your screens.

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00:43:14,030 --> 00:43:18,810
Before we go, we have just time to
reveal that since the previous series,

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00:43:18,810 --> 00:43:20,450
us has had a sex change.

384
00:43:21,170 --> 00:43:23,130
But we are not saying which it is.

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00:43:25,370 --> 00:43:28,090
It's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye
from her. Goodbye.